Harry Potter and the Attack of the Munchkins
by Don't Eat at Bertucci's
Summary: Harry Potter is in his 12th year He was held back for undisclosed reasons Life is good until word has it that the Munchkin Army of Oz is planning to attack Hogwarts.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, The Wizard of Oz, the Pillsbury Doughboy, or anything else I put into this story.

Chapter One:

Harry was entering his 12th year at Hogwarts. It does seem strange that someone as smart as Harry could be held back for five years, but nonetheless his time at Hogwarts was much more enjoyable then his time at home. Actually, Harry couldn't go home; however, that's another story. So far this year, Harry was passing all of his classes. Now that Snape was gone, Potions was a whole lot easier. What happened to Snape? It's a pretty funny story...

* * *

Six years ago, Voldemort was back in power. Snape was his right hand man...sort of. Voldemort had lost his right hand in a tragic car accident that almost took 

his life. He needed an amputation of his right hand. Out of all of his followers, Snape was the lucky one to give up his hand. Now, Voldemort has a hand and Snape is awfully mad. So, he starts to plan.

Snape and his old friend the Pillsbury Doughboy came up with a grand scheme. While Voldemort was watching his favorite television show, General Hospital, the Doughboy would sit on his lap. Voldemort, being the funny guy that he is, would begin poking the Doughboy in the stomach. Nobody can resist poking the Doughboy. When Voldemort is busy poking, Snape will sneak up behind him with a chainsaw and cut off Voldemort's hand so that Snape can get it back. The only problem is chainsaws make a lot of noise. Voldemort noticed. He decided to kill Snape by drowning him in maple syrup. And that's the end of good old Professor Snape. 

* * *

Anyway, Harry was having a pretty good time. There are a lot of perks when you are five years older then all of the other kids. For example, Harry always enjoyed being taller then them, was the only one who got to shave, and was the only student at the legal drinking age (not that it matters). He could curse them without getting in trouble either. But that wasn't all its cracked up to be. 

* * *

Harry was in his 10th year at the time of the incident. There was a kid by the name of Falco Malfoy in his 2nd year. Harry hated him. He wasn't related to Draco in anyways, but Harry didn't like his name. So one day he decided to give Falco a SUPER SWIRLEY. "Superbious swiliverous," said Harry. The curse backfired and ended up blowing up the toilet. Poor Falco was caught in an explosion of fragmented porcelain. He died and Harry stopped hexing younger students. 

* * *


	2. Live in Munchkin Land

Disclaimer: The only thing I own in this entire story is...oh wait...I don't own anything.

Chapter 2: Live in Munchkin Land

All of the Munchkin Army is gathered in Emerald City. The two Munchkin generals, Gary Coleman and Danny DeVito, are briefing their troops. "Listen up soldiers," shouted DeVito with a cigar in his mouth. Gary said, "Heres the plan, first-,"

"Hey I'm explaining the plan."

"What you talkin' 'bout Danny"

"I said-"

Suddenly, the Wizard of Oz stepped in, or rather, he tripped in over a helmet that was lying on the ground. "WHAT ARE YOU ARGUING ABOUT?" he screamed as he got off of the ground..

"Nothing sir," said Gary. "I told General DeVito to begin briefing the troops, sir."

"Then get going we don't have all day," and with that the Wizard left.

"Here's the plan," began DeVito. "As you all know, Hogwarts has gotten a bit too big for its britches." None of the soldiers knew what britches were but they continued listening. "The goal is to siege Hogwarts and capture Albus Dumbledore. Then, the fabulous Wizard of Oz will become the new ruler of Wizard World. At the "Wizard of Oz" part there were a couple of *coughMORONcough*s and a few chuckles at the thought of the Wizard of Oz ruling the World. That guy could barely out on his own pants. DeVito went on, "Our mission, Operation Fight Against Retched Tribula [see chapter 3] Stealers, or Operation F.A.R.T.S. has two parts. First, we will attack Hogwarts from the North and South. Nobody will be allowed to leave Hogwarts. Then when the time is right we will enter the school and capture all teachers, dead or alive. Albus Dumbledore is to be taken alive and brought to the Wizards Grand Jury. Where, most likely, he will be sentenced to life in prison with nothing to do but talk to his inmate Michael Jackson. Does everybody understand."

"Yes sir"

"First and second battalions will come in from the north. Second and third from the south. Lets move out"

The Munchkins were on their way to Hogwarts.


	3. A Bit of History

Disclaimer: The only thing I own in this entire story is...oh wait...I don't own anything.

Chapter 3: A bit of History

Once upon a time, there were two wizarding kingdoms. Munchkin Land and the Domain of Hogwarts. These powerful nations were always at peace with each other until the Event-Which-Will-Not-Be-Named-But-It-Is-Really-Bad occurred.

--

In the year 23641 W.Y. (Wizard Years) Roofus Dumbldore, the Headmaster of Hogwarts, was very annoyed. He had just discovered that James Madison, the Wizard of Oz, had stolen his favorite pensive. This was a special pensive because it could make you go back in time AND it could be used as a pasta strainer thingy. Roofus had the utmost respect for James, he had framed the Bill of Rights, but he was extremely fond of his pensive/colander. To get back at Madison, Dumbledore kidnaped his wife, known to muggles as Dolly. In the wizarding world her name was Tribula. She was the most beautiful wizard ever. Tribula was also extremely talented and was popular with the tabloids. Everyone loved Tribula and nobody would think of an honest man, such as Dumbledore, to abduct her. But he did and that worked to his advantage.

Tribula, in fact, hated her life. She wanted to be out of the spotlight. So she wasn't really abducted, she went willingly. In Hogwarts, she became a doctor and ejoyed helping all of the sick wizards, it gave her a purpose rather then being a figurehead of Munchkin Land. She was treated well in Hogwarts and got along great with everyone. 

Munchkin Land was in a frenzy. How could someone steal Tribula. It was an outrage. James Madison was pissed. He was even more pissed when he found out that it was his old friend Roofus who took her. Munchkin Land went to war with Hogwarts. However, they were no match for the enormous wizard army. Finally, after 7 2/5th years of fighting the Munchkins got Tribula back. They might not have been as strong as the wizards, but they had some brains. James Madison himself came up with the which won the war. 

The Munchkins built a huge donut known as the "Trojan Donut". They presented it to Hogwarts as a gift of surrender. James Madison, being the sly dude that he is, hid a platoon of Munchkins in the donut. Led by Billy Banks, the Munchkins took the wizards by surprise. Within days they had destroyed Hogwarts Castle taken Tribula back to Munchkin Land. They won the battle, but not the war. Three days later, Dumbledore used his secret weapons of mass destruction, which he borrowed from Saddam Hussein(and you were wondering why America didn't find anything in Iraq) to destroy Munchkin Land. Almost everyone in Munchkin Land killed themselves rather then listening to Jorma the worst singer in the history of the world. The few that made it through the five straight days of Jorma began to rebuild Munchkin Land to its former glory.

Tribula, whose husband killed himself after the first day of listening to Jorma, got remarried. She and her husband, Squiglous Snape, had 5 kids and lived to the old age of 97 when she tragically died in a skydiving accident.


	4. The Wizard of Oz was VERY happy until he...

Disclaimer: Now its... fifty cups of coffee and you know its on. I don't own Harry Potter or this song. I should be a Beastie Boy.

Chapter 4: The Wizard of Oz was VERY happy until he did some stuff and got arrested and did some more stuff....

The chapter title pretty much explains everything. The Wizard was already celebrating his victory over Hogwarts, even though his troops were still marching. He decided to go out to eat for his birthday. Out of all of the wonderful restaurants in the world, the Wizard's favorite was Bertuccis. However, in a freak accident coughterroristscough/coughlookattheauthorspennamecough every single Bertuccis in the world was turned into an interpretive dance studio chain. The studios, known as Odd Jon's Interpretive Dance, quickly became popular with overweight women who wanted to look like Barbie.

Where was I....OH YEAH... so the Wizard of Oz went to his second favorite restaurant, Applebee's. AND TODAY WAS THE WIZARDS BIRTHDAY. You know what that means...you don't? What's wrong with you. Everybody whose anybody knows that when you go to Applebee's for your birthday they sing to you. Thats right, the waitresses get in a big circle, get out their acoustic guitars and sing Kumbaya. Needless to say, the Wizard was thrilled to go to Applebee's, he ordered Mac & Cheese (his favorite meal) off of the kids menu. Then came the big show. The Wizard was clapping along with Kumbaya when his clumsiness kicked in.

The Wizard of Oz fell out of his chair and into one of the waitresses who was singing. Well...she got pissed and took the Wizard to court for sexual harassment.

In Court:

"Do you, Richard Simmons, swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God"

Everyone in the court was stunned to find out Richard Simmons was the person on trial(as if his dorky workout clothes and afro didn't give it away). Little did the jury know that Richard Simmons was also the Wizard of Oz.

The March of the Munchkins:

"Hup two three four..."

"We will capture Dumbledore"

"Five six seven eight"

"Cut his beard and lay it straight"

It wasn't going good for Richard/The Wizard of Oz.

"One hundred twenty-seven One hundred twenty-eight One hundred twenty-nine"

"I'm tired of counting"

"I'm tired of marching"

"Lets go see a show," suggested one Munchkin.

"Okay," said DeVito.

"Lets watch Different Strokes," said Coleman

"NO!!!!!" shouted every single member of the Munchkin Army.

"It was just a suggestion"

The Munckins decided to go see Cats on Broadway.

The trial continues

"That was a good show"

"Lets move out"

"Start counting"

"What number were we at"

"Start over"

"Hup two three four..."

"We will capture Dumbledore"

"Five six seven eight"

"Gary Coleman is so great"

"SHUT UP"

"It's going to be a long march"

"The jury has reached a verdict. We find Richard Simmons guilty of being a WITCH"

"WHAT THATS NOT EVEN WHAT IM ON TRIAL FOR"

"Shut up Simmons, or should I say WITCHY HEAD," said the judge.

"Give me a chance"

"Okay witch boy, we'll give you a test. First you will have 50 lbs attached to each leg. Then you will be thrown into a lake. If you sink, your not a witch, if you float, you are a witch"

At Hogwarts:

"I'm hungry," said Harry as he went to the kitchen for a snack.


End file.
